I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
