So drunk its hurt
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
im holly from the hills drunk
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
