somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
