Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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