When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
