dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
