Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
