he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
