Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
