I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Randomize
