just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
