You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
