Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
