If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
