Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
