3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
