I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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