I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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