there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
