I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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