i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
