Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
