apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
