; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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