The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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