Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
