Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
