I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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