I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You have to summon your inner elephant
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
