I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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