Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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