Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
