there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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