Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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