you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
