After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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