How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
