I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
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