At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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