There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
