I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
