if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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