You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
