I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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