i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
