Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
you're hired as official boob wrangler
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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