if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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