Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
