I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
