Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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