I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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